Having “The Talk” with the In-Laws
Marie and Tom, mother- and father-in-law to
Kelly Roberts, Founder of SendOff
When I arrived back in the office a couple of weeks ago from an errand, I listened to a message requesting I call my father-in-law, Tom. I was a bit intrigued by this as we didn’t communicate over the phone very often, so I phoned him back right away thinking it was urgent. “Kelly, Marie and I want to come into pre-plan.” Nothing urgent — thank goodness — but when you reach ages 75 and 76, pre-planning for your end-of-life arrangements, though not necessarily “urgent”, should be at the top of your to-do list. I’m glad he called.
The next week I arrived at their home and as I approached the door, I was thinking I had a good idea on how the conversation was going to play out. Cremation with a service at Faith Lutheran, their home church of 50 plus years, was what I had intended to jot down as part of my time with them. Confirmations, weddings, and funerals held at Faith Lutheran have been a part of the family traditions, so I was expecting an easy-peasy, 30-minute conversation.
We chatted for just a few minutes, catching up before delving into the the main reason I was there, and Marie said something along the lines of “my jaw dropping.”
I chuckled and said, “well tell me more.”
“Kelly, my SendOff is going to be Christmas themed,” and Marie went on to read from her scratch paper all the important elements she wanted included in her SendOff, down to the size of red paper plates to be used.
Hand-written notes of Marie’s wishes for her memorial service
Marie talked in detail about her favorite Santas (statues and artwork) being displayed, what Elvis Christmas music should loop, the specific appetizers and beverages, and more, to be held at the Roberts Family Funeral Home. As I keep up with jotting all this down, I must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning with a huge smile from ear to ear. What a unique event she had planned! Once we established all the details, I applauded Marie for being creative and diligent in doing this important work. Now on to Tom.
I first imagined Corvettes as Tom and Marie are Corvette enthusiasts. Or does Tom go traditional?
Tom went on to tell me about the art show he wants for his memorial event. Tom is a talented artist and has completed many pieces that he wants displayed and then each specific one given to the specific grandchild. Tom is also a Veteran, so military honors to recognize such will also be part of the afternoon too. We tidied up his plan and I left shortly after with the same smile I had for the last forty-five minutes.
As I was driving back to the office, I was thinking about my perception verse reality moment. I have known Tom and Marie for over thirty years, and I expected their plans to be very traditional. The only formal component for both includes family and guests sitting at round tables, selected music and scriptures about 20 minutes in length. Heck, Santa Claus might even be the presider for Marie?
A couple of takeaways I have from this:
Establish a plan! Get the basics down (including cremation or burial) or go big by meeting with a professional and planning highly personalized details, much like Marie did with her appropriately sized red paper plates. Pre-funding for services in advance is also wise for many reasons. No matter what level of planning is done, just know that it is a true gift for your survivors that provides peace of mind for you and them! My wife and her siblings are all grateful they took the important step of pre-planning.
We hear many say, “I don’t want to have anything, just throw me out back.” While we understand a person’s desire to keep things simple, your life mattered, and legally, we can’t just throw you out back! You can plan something small and intimate, like a picnic at a park, or strive for a two-day extravagant SendOff. Regardless, do something that will establish the significance of your life that will also provide hope, healing and joy for your family and friends.
At SendOff, we give you permission to think outside of the box, pun intended. Look to Tom and Marie for inspiration on what can be done to honor and celebrate your life.
Authored by Kelly Roberts, Founder of SendOff – Funerals Reimagined